I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.