me, too, girl. me, too.
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Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
no regrets
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.