no regrets
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.