no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*