I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.