6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.