Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
sin harder.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive