[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see