Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99