Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?