I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance