How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*