Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
mood
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.