Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
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Damn he played himself
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.