Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me trying to walk in a dream
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*serious situation*
My brain:
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub