A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”