Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*