[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
no such thing as a dumb question
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
This did not end as expected.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.