[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
You Might Also Like
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
My sex drive has a dui
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?