High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Cndnsd Mlk
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“Sheer Arrogance”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”