a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
New comic up. “Ransom”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
This is always good for a laugh.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Flock of bats
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
real