I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
You Might Also Like
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
79.
Not my job 😂
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.