My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*