i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
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[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
No, I don’t think I will.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
As the Lord intended
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.