hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.