Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
They got Raph!
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.