I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Blew out my flip flop…
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total