Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass