I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates