Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park