I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.