Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Never be a pizza!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
i wish we could shoplift online
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.