I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.