“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch