Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.