My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw