FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
ACED my prostate exam!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.