“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
pep talk
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.