culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.