I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
You Might Also Like
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.