first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.