It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear