I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.