Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
You Might Also Like
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.