If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.