romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Ok, but like, how married are you?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Finally, an explanation.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.