In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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an airline just for babies.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
This why you should mind your business
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.