[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.