My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit