Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*